Loading ...“And remember, Jesus is the reason for the season”. These are the words growled ferociously by a woman who sits surrounded by her family in a local television ad for some sort of clothing store.
Coming out of Kroger, having bought the obligatory bag of cat-food, the Salvation Army bell-ringer shouts a defiant, “Merry Christmas!”.
“Happy Solstice!”, I snap back.
It seems such phrases as “Merry Christmas!”, “Happy Holidays”, and “Seasons Greetings” have joined the ranks of such battle cries as “Banzai!”, “Tora, tora, tora!” and “Tulta munille!”.
Last year, I just didn’t care. I was a pacifist in the culture wars, but this year, hell I’m feeling feisty. Sign me up on the side of the pagans. Can’t say I enjoy their company most of the time - all the breast-feeding maypole dancing wimmin and the kilt-clad men with their gandalf staffs sort of leave me cold - but at least they got it right on the origins of christmas.
And anyway, war - ain’t it the American way? May’s well git back to my roots and git mah gun. Go out and shoot some plaster wise-men from the nativity scenes. Yeeeeee-hah.
”Merry Christmas? Them’s fightin’ words”.
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You GOT to get back to doing Sunday Schools again, my dear Reverend!
All I know is lies make the baby Jesus cry.
The title of my next blog post was going to be ‘making baby jesus cry’.
Now it has to be something else.
No, I don’t think I’ll be doing the sunday school thing again. Even Unitarian parents can get hysterical. Here’s how I lost my sunday school teaching career:
I generally went by the set curriculum but the semester was for 12 weeks and the curriculum was for 10 weeks, so I had to cut a few lessons in half. When we ended up with spare time in the class, we had discussion time, where I pretty much allowed the kids to discuss what they wanted, as long as it had to do with humanist values or religion and spirituality. Well this happened right around halloween so some of the kids had halloween-type stuff on their minds. One kid asked me if I believed in demons. I toed the Unitarian line of diversity, explained that I personally didn’t believe in demons but many religions do and that different religions have different ideas about the nature of demons and the spirit world blah blah diversity blah culture blah respect blah blah blah…. Somehow this whole secular humanist spiel got interpreted as me teaching demonology. A hysterical parent, rather than coming to me and asking me about it, stood up in church and asked what was going to be done about the Sunday school teacher teaching demonology to our kids. I think this particular parent didn’t like the fact that I was pagan and bisexual, and was just looking for an excuse. In the end my name was cleared of the demonology charges, but the whole thing disgusted me so much I ended up leaving the church altogether. If you can’t expect tolerance and understanding from Unitarians for fucks sake, then where does it exist in the world?
The baby jesus needs to buck up. The world’s a tough place and if TBJ can’t handle it, then he’s going to have a very difficult time. You can’t just change water to wine every time life deals you a bad hand. Raising the dead, however, could really make things interesting…
“What do you mean I can’t have that piece of cake, Mom?”
“You heard me Big Baby Jesus: No cake before supper!”
“Oh yeah? Well, I’ll raise your mother from the dead which will annoy you into giving me the cake”
“Jesus Harold Christ, if you do that, you will go to time out”
“Really? Well, how would you like it if I made time move so quickly that I would be out of time out in 2 seconds”
“Oh my god, you are so annoying!”
“No need to call me ‘god’, Mom; I reserve that term for the christians… I mean, er, the people who will follow yahweh in the future.”
“Young man, are you predicting the future again?! What have I told you about doing that!!!???”
That’s the way I imagine the conversation, at least.
Baby Jesus (swimming in the sea of Galilee): Help, help! I’m drowning.
Joseph (Jumping in): I’ll save you, Baby Jesus!
Baby Jesus (rising to the surface and starting to walk on the water): Psych!
Baby Jesus (to Mary and Joseph): And people will bow down in my name once a year! People will be ridiculously overpriced gifts for other people who annoy them for the rest of the year! They will kill others in my name!
Mary: Who do you think you are, Jesus or sumfink?
Joseph: Who died and made you king?
Mary: Listen to him. So bleeding butch, and not even out of swaddling.
Joseph: Thank god he’s not really mine.
Mary: And just what in the hell are we supposed to do with Myrh!?
Joseph: Oh.. Go on Mary! We can have another one, can’t we? I mean.. We’ve gone international now!
Mary: You mean.. Get god drunk and hide his condom? He won’t fall for that one again!
Joseph: Ahh.. You hid it then.. And you kept screaming ‘oh god’ to me all night…
Mary: Christ, you don’t mean..
Christ: What’s up, mom?
Mary: Ahh..no.. I was just talking to your dad.. But he’s not your dad, you know.
Christ: Not that again..
Joseph: God’s your dad, son!
Christ: Yeah right… Any myrh left?
Bas, I must say I laughed out loud at this one.
Christ: Not that again.
It is good even when read “Christ, not that again.”
Yes I got quite a giggle myself. Could sure use some myrrh right about now though.
Bas, that was hilarious. I particularly liked the imagery of getting god drunk and hiding his condom.
Still not sure what to do with that myrhh.