Loading ...Every once in a while, I stumble across the Free Will Astrology horoscope while updating the Noumenal News. This week, my own horoscope, though non-sensical, at least didn’t go off on some tangent talking about things other than me. Me me me me me.
“Of your many selves, the one I’m most entertained by right now is the experimentalist who wants to mix ingredients that have never before been together. Another self I really like is the frontier-dweller who’s conspiring to fast-forward you into a rowdy rebirth. There’s a third self—the cagey mediator—who I’m hoping will get those other two to work together intimately. If that happy collaboration occurs, the whole motley crew will live stickily ever after, or at least until May, when a mid-course correction might be necessary.”
Yeah whatever. Leo’s horoscope starts off like this:
“One of the regulations listed in the book Rules of Golf states that if a player’s ball comes to rest near a live rattlesnake, the player may move the ball without penalty.”
If I were a Leo, I’d be real pissed off at being tossed a lame golf analogy. But even weirder was Scorpio:
“In the past, love has on occasion had certain resemblances to a wounded three-legged wild boar from a swampy junkyard in hell. But if I’m interpreting the coming attractions correctly, love in 2007 could be more like a white dove balancing on the head of a black horse as it gallops along a beach under a full moon in summer.”
What? I mean… what?
And then there’s Aquarius, the sign of my good friend R the P:
“No other place in America has a worse reputation than the state of New Jersey. It’s called “the armpit of the nation†by some people, and is said to lead the world in strip malls per capita and terrible pollution smells. But my experience of the place has been different. I once lived in New Jersey for six years. It was a happy time. There were mountains in the north, beaches in the east, the mysterious Pine Barrens in the middle, and people I loved and enjoyed everywhere.”
So, is he doing a horoscope for Aquarius, for himself, or for New Jersey? And he gets paid for reminiscing like this. When I reminisce, people run away.
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This entry was posted on Saturday, January 13th, 2007 at 9:23 pm and is filed under criminal, mystical. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.
Not with your reminiscences! It’s never been more busy here!
Lots of time on my hands today, obviously.
I swear, the most bizarre search strings bring people here. The scariest thing is, they’re relevant search strings. I just don’t understand WHY people are searching for them.
Okay, “gay boy. fun”, I understand. Someone looking for some gayboy fun, obviously. And they might even find it here.
But someone searched for the word ’scritchins’. I am number 2 and 3 on google search for scritchins.
A lot of people are still searching for stomach flu info. I feel sorry for them, I really do.
“Bird Genitals” brought someone here. Could this be the story R the P told about his ex boyfriend Michael Angelo? I don’t know, because I’m so far down on the search results for bird genitals, I couldn’t even find it. Someone, somewhere, was searching very hard for some bird genitals.
Another person searched for ‘landing strip pubic hairstyle’, something we discussed recently.
And someone actually searched for the string “technology you’ll ever pee on”. Okay? And I was number 2 on the search results for that one too.
See - its all relevant (except maybe the bird genitals) but why on earth are people searching for this stuff? All I’ve got to say is, “Welcome, weird surfers, you’ve found a safe haven here”
Viagra….
Viagra. Viagra canada. Over the counter viagra. Viagra on line. Viagra stories….
Dangers of ephedrine….
Side effects of ephedrine. Caffeine with ephedrine. Ephedrine side effects. Advil with ephedrine….