Loading ...Its time for Rob’s weekly roundup of horoscopes for the Shattered Prayerians. If I knew Shelley’s sun-sign, I’d include hers too. This week, Rob has an April Fools themed horoscope. Oh how surprising. Here’s what he says about Gemini:
After meditating on the omens, I can’t decide whether it’s more
accurate to say “This week will suck” or “This week will blow.” APRIL
FOOL! While it’s true that your imminent experiences may resemble the
kinds of pleasure that one human being can give another through a
masterful use of the mouth and tongue, “suck” and “blow” have too many
negative connotations to use them as metaphors. Let’s say instead that
the coming week will lick and slurp and drool.
I think not.
Bas’ horoscope wasn’t much better:
Your assignment is to precisely identify every last one of your
complexes, syndromes, and maladies. Towards that end, buy a copy of the
943-page book Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders,
and read it from beginning to end. APRIL FOOL! Don’t you know me any
better than that? I would NEVER encourage you to obsess on your pain.
Here’s your real horoscope: Start writing your own version of the book How We Choose to Be Happy: The 9 Choices of Extremely Happy People. It’s high time you learned how to work your ass off to feel really good.
Out of all the dysfunctional people who hang out on Shattered Prayer, Bas is the most… uh… functional. And the least likely to need a self-help book.
This week, Mojo is a new-age flake, as per the Sagittarius column:
This week’s mind-over-matter horoscope features the words of three
notorious New Age flakes, philosopher William James, essayist Ralph
Waldo Emerson, and Albert Einstein. First, James: “The greatest
discovery of my generation is that a human being can alter his life by
altering his attitudes.” Emerson: “Intellect annuls Fate. So far as a
person thinks, he is free.” Einstein: “The significant problems we face
cannot be solved at the same level of thinking we were at when we
created them.” APRIL FOOL! James, Emerson, and Einstein were NOT New
Age flakes. They simply had some ideas that were similar to New Age
flakes. So don’t dismiss their advice, especially now, when you can
accomplish miracles by acting as if you have a potent role in creating
your own reality.
I’m underwhelmed.
And here’s R the P’s:
On the caloric energy provided by just one 12-ounce bag of potato
chips, you can think 550 thoughts, at least 10 percent of them good
ones. That’s why I urge you to devour one such bag every day this week.
The omens suggest that your brain is aching to churn out an explosion
of big, fat thoughts. APRIL FOOL! Your brain will generate a multitude
of ideas (at least 40 percent of them good ones) even if you dine on
nothing but carrot juice and salad. You’re in the phase of your
astrological cycle when your mind is magically hyperactive. You don’t
need potato chips to be smart.
Huh? How could Rob be so cruel as to recommend something as great as devouring copious amounts of potato chips, just to turn around and viciously snatch the delightful advice away? Thats just wrong.
This week I think we’re tossing Rob into the blender, along with some carrot juice and some salad. I call it the Orange Free-Will Astro-slurry.
Buy me a beer!
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Comments
This entry was posted on Wednesday, March 28th, 2007 at 8:43 pm and is filed under edible, fanatical. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.
I can detect a definite pattern now with ol’ Rob!
With your licking, slurping, drooling… Mojo baffled into his own reality. And R thinking potato chips 40% of the time while on carrots..
And me wondering why it isn’t so extremely happy people would ever have to face any choises…
It’s throw in a lot of similes and stop before you get yourself into a linguistic trap?
Baffling the reader in the proces?
I can say this much:
“While it’s true the advent of the water flushed toilet has freed millions of happy users of their daily discomfort, it’s the drain that still holds all truths of humanity. Wear a raincoat this month. Humanity might catch up with you.”
Jeezz… One has to admire Rob.
Thanks for sharing… i think?
Shelley is a wee Pisces girlfish!
You are too cute as always to think of me!
I hope that one day I will have enough money to come and visit you! And give your family, Rice traumatic stress disorder people and all something else to talk about!
xo Shelley
Fun! So, Rob has the temerity to note that James, Einstein, and Emerson are not new age flakes? The audacity of such a notion! Odd guy, that Rob.
Just to spite Rob, I will have the potato chips (”crisps” for any UK readers out there, although US chips do NOT come in prawn flavor… I hope).
Into the blender with you, Rob!
PS - Hi, Shelley!
Shelley is a Pisces! And Rob’s horoscope for you this week reads thusly:
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?” Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused novocaine during a root canal? His goal: Transcend dental medication. A vulture boards a plane carrying two dead possums. The flight attendant stops her and says, “I’m sorry, ma’am, there’s only one carrion allowed per passenger.” APRIL FOOL! The preceding passage wasn’t your real horoscope, but rather a Zen koan designed to scramble your brain so that you’d be receptive to your real horoscope, which goes as follows: Two Eskimos were sitting in a kayak. They were cold, so they lit a fire right there. The boat sank, proving that you can’t have your kayak and heat it too.
Alrighty then.
Shelley, wait until I move somewhere good before you come visit. Or better yet, lets all plan that trip to Tahiti. Or Las Vegas. Or… anywhere. Anywhere dammit. Lets pick a place and plan an SP meet and greet.
Hahira. I might could afford Hahira.
I just realized that anyone not from Georgia is probably looking at the name of that town and pronouncing it wrong in their minds. If I were seeing it for the first time, I might think its pronounce hah-HEER-ah, which sounds rather Polynesian. But no, its much more hick than that. Its hay-HIGH-ra. Which doesn’t sound Polynesian at all.
Lets all just go to the Netherlands and crash on Bas’ floors. Yes thats it. The Netherlands.
Does anyone besides me think Rob is gay?
Hey High Rah! I vote that we all don’t go there! I also vote that we do not go to Mississippi! That is where I am now and you should all be glad that you are not with me.
I vote for the Netherlands! It would be boring for Bas but great for the rest of us.
Hey Shelley! I loved Rob’s horoscope for you. It was insane! Like Rob. And there is something a little gay around Rob’s edges.
And I miss Mojo! There. My love for him is there for all to see.
I miss Che too. I’d even visit her in Hahira. But I would rather visit her in the Netherlands.
I also love that Rob identified the vocations of Emerson and James (philosopher? Psychologist maybe) but Einstein is just Einstein. New Age flake Einstein.
Hey? Ahh… Left a comment here, but WorldPress ate it!
Ahh.. Friends… A very welcome to the Netherlands! Nothing but fundamentalist New Age Flakes here! Trust me… even Einstein loved to stay in the Netherlands.
Ahh and thanks Shelley for joining in! Your Pisces horrobscope beats everything… what does it mean?!