Loading ...The Christians weren’t amused, the non-Christians weren’t amused, and the Dutch hide under their beds on April Fools Day. Of course, I’ve been tormenting my family all day. I can’t let this day pass without unleashing cruelty upon all within unleashing range (which broadened considerably with the invention of the inter-web).
But my family has returned the torment. Well, KK actually. I’ve been tutoring her in English and Reading Comprehension. Talk about frustrating. They’re having some sort of standardized testing next week. I’ve been quizzing her on the difference between opinion and fact (something most adults don’t understand).
Me: KK’s eyes are blue - opinion or fact.
KK: Fact.
Me: KK’s eyes are pretty - opinion or fact.
KK: Fact.
Me: Its an opinion.
KK: My eyes ARE pretty!
Me: That’s your opinion.
KK: It should be everybody’s.
Me: Going to church is fun - opinion or fact.
KK: Fact.
Me: Its an opinion.
KK: Only of people who should burn in hell.
I can see I have my work as an eccentric aunt cut out for me. Who teaches an 8 year old about hell? Oh yeah - Baptists! I knew about - and feared - hell at her age. Of course, I try to sneak in the subversive teachings, the way my dad did with me.
I talk about fossils and how old they are, about the big bang, evolution and so forth and so on. I hope something sinks in. (Rumors of my conversion have been grossly exaggerated)
Her birthday is this month. Anyone have any ideas for cheap and subversive gifts?
My mother gave her a bible for tahit…. uh… christmas. A PINK bible. Okay, has ever a more offensive gift existed? It combines my two greatest nightmares - PINK and BIBLE. Eeeek.
I get the feeling my mother wants to force KK into the mold that I never fit. I was never the frilly girlie-girl. I was the brainy subversive one. My sister was the athlete. So now is my mother’s chance to raise a girlie-girl. A barbie doll. Princess Doormat.
I’m really going to have to do something about this.
Buy me a beer!
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This entry was posted on Sunday, April 1st, 2007 at 8:05 pm and is filed under criminal. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.
I’d say get here a copy of Harry Potter. Helluva discussion raiser! And it’s culture. And i think you can get it for free if you sneak it out of a local book burning stash…
Little warning though: there’s no werewolfs in it. As of yet.
I’ve never seen pink editions, but me thinks you’ll be able to wrap it up i an inconspicuous something?
My humble opinion.
I’ve never heared of humble facts…. that pink is hideous?
On with the teaching, my Reverend!
Get her a pink Koran. If your mom objects, tell her it is the only holy book with stories of tweener Jesus. Of course young Jesus is using his superpowers to rot off some guy’s hand, but that’s what preteen super heroes did in that period.
Pink Bibles?! EEEEKKK is right!
I’ve considered the Harry Potter thing already.
The thing about Korans is, they usually don’t come in pink. In fact, the Muslims really know how to put together a nice looking scripture. Where-as the Christians don’t mind if their Bibles look like any old crap. Paper-backs. Fine. Pink… fine.
Pink bibles. Why not just put a unicorn, some rainbows and some glitter on it. You know, to mark it as the epic fantasy it really is.
Voitsä tuunaa mun Raamatun!?
Hell yes!!
http://www.pimpmybible.com
I love the Finnish people
Bas, pimpmybible.com is totally insane! Fun, in a disturbing way…
I thought it was great. I even voted on some bibles. I have a thing for Finns anyway. I’m not sure why… I think its the language. I like languages with lots of vowels (like Dutch! The Dutch always seem to be tossing in extra vowels here and there.)
There you have it folks, vowels turn me on.
Anyone notice this post has had an inordinate amount of views. Are these people searching for pink bibles on google and ending up here?
YES! I just checked! People are finding this page by searching for ‘pink bible’. Man, there are some sick fucks out there in the world!
‘Cat haiku’ is also a popular search.
Cat haiku searches
Are totally good news
But pink bibles, ack!
What does Google love?
Pink Bibles and pussycats
Strange as it may seem.
There I combined the two in one!
Mojo beat me to it!
Yeah, but yours was better constructed. I am hopeless at poetry of any kind. ;-)
Again, back to work (ugh)
Ok, one more minute of diversion… This page was the #2 hit on Google’s Blog Search function! No wonder so many folks are stopping by. Of course, they’re folks searching for ‘pink bible’. Eeeeek!
Ahh now.. pink bibles… how about baby-blue bibles? Or… GOLDEN bibles?
Nah…
Pink haikutized cat bibles.
Or:
Roze gehaikutiseerde kattenbijbels.
Cat Bibles!
As if cats could agree on the same deity.
Of course, I also thought Bibles made out of cats and that made me sad.
Of course cats agree on the same deity - Bast.
If we could get a copy of the coveted cat bible, we would finally know their secrets. We’d know just how long to give them scritchins without getting bitten. We’d know why the corner of the sofa is the best place to sharpen claws, rather than the scratching post. We’d know what they really see when they stare at something we can’t see (or if they’re just fucking with us). We’d know how to do that zen thing they do when they just sit and stare with their eyes half closed. We would be wise. We need a cat-bible.
Bibles made out of cats… the horror idea!!
I love cats. We’ll i love nice cats. They do have strong personalities; and you just can’t love ‘cats’ per se..
My sister has two. And one very special one. He talks -cat talk- and can’t get enough of it. And if you immitate his vocalisations. I’ve once had an entire conversation in cat with him. Lovely vowels
I’d go to church if cats started holding sermons. And i’d bring cat litter as offerings.
Yes, thanks R the P for the horrific interpretation. Wrongness.
Cats are the best. I’ve had cats all my life but our cat is the first I’ve had that lives indoors exclusively. She seems OK with it, but I do feel guilty for caging the wild beast, as it were. In the semi-urban areas, however, free-roaming cats are illegal and surely wouldn’t last long at any rate. Traffic is tough on the cats… but I digress.
The point is that cats are awesome and I bet if they had churches, the sermons would be short and to-the-point with loads of turkey and fish after the services. Mmmm, turkey!
Religion really is all about food isn’t it? LOL!!!
Hey and Mojo… It’s OK to digress.. as long as you do it here and often
Easter time. I got a whole week off work, so i’ll be very busy next week!! Easter.. Hey Che; any learned thoughts on Easter?
I can’t even remember what it was about in Christian sense… Did he go up or did he come down.. Christ.. Our Heavenly Frequent flyer.
I can say religion has some good points when there is a lunch social after services… that’s about the only good points I can think of.
Thanks, Bas. I will oblige.
A week off for Easter??!!! We get nothing, except probably an ‘early dismissal’ tomorrow for those who are actually at work. We don’t celebrate it, so I didn’t even remember about it. I did see the candy and technicolor toys & candy in the stores, but couldn’t remember when Easter actually was being held.
Yeah, Che, thoughts on Easter? I do know our Heavenly Frequent Flying Father (HF3) went up on that day, not down… or, unless you’re catholic. Who knows what they believe?
Well, I was going to do an Easter post tonight, but I was afraid googly would serve me with more christianly ads. I’d rather have the blender ads back.
I’m not sure, but I think on Easter Jesus got married to Ishtar. He got her holiday in the divorce.
I’m pretty sure that is in the Bible. At least in a pink, glitter covered Bible.
Hey! Maybe people can start decorating Bibles instead of eggs.
I do believe you know your bible well, R the P. But as a good pagan (not really - I’m more urbani than pagani), I prefer to celebrate the divorce rather than the marriage of Jesus and Ishtar. Back then, they threw eggs and bunnies at the weddings - an old babylonian tradition. It was messy, and often led to rabies, which is why they later replaced the bunnies with chocolate ones.
I’ll be the first to dip them in vinegar-tainted dye water. No batiking, though. Decoupaging is right out. Glitter, I’ll consider.
Uh, the bibles, that is. I’ll dip the bibles. The bunnies have it hard enough being tossed around at newlyweds. Bloody silly, that. Reminds me of the Monty Python cave-dwelling killer bunny. Chocolate ones are favorite, though.
And a celebration was born that lives on to this day! Chocolate rabies and glitteratti Bibles for every one!
Oh I love the killer bunny in Monty Python. I’m also fond of “Night of the Lepus”. I mean, what 1950s doped up hepcat thought giant bunnies would be scary? Thats just awsome.
But what would be more awsome - if the giant bunnies were made of chocolate.
Never mind, I just worked out that whole five bucks thing.
Chocolate or no, I don’t want rabies. Rabbits, on the other hand, I wouldn’t turn down. Giant chocolate rabbits are the best!
Never seen ‘Night of the Lepus’ but I’m quite curious after that description!
Oh, I was just about what that was before it got lost in the dialog….
Five bucks? It makes me think of “I’ll gladly pay you Tuesday for a hamburger today.”
Giant chocolate bunnies! Yum! Filled with Greeks. They can eat their way out.
But I guess they should be filled with Babylonians with that Ishtar connection.
Mmmmm…. Giant chocolate Greek filled bunnies. That sounds delicious!
Oh, don’t even make me explain about the five bucks. Its an argument I’m having with my mother. And its a long dull southern story about relatives in jail and whatnot (as of yesterday, I now have TWO relatives in jail.)
Anyway, can’t banish that image of the greek-filled bunnies.
What a proud day–two relatives in jail. Never a better time for Greek filled bunnies.
By Greek-filled I mean filled with actual Greeks, and not with drunken frat-boys.
Yes, a proud day. God I’m so white trash.
And please check out Night of the Lepus. You won’t be disappointed. As long as your expectations are very low.
I mean actual Greeks, too.
I only had one relative in jail and he’s out now. So I’m white trash too, but just a little less white trash than you.
Now I’ve got this picture of this giant chocolate bunny, melting in the sun, and chocolate covered Greeks in need of a good licking. A mediterranean beach, soft winds, shots of ouzo between slurps of greek-flavored chocolate.
Hmmm…..
Well I know what I’ll be dreaming about tonight.
HA-HA! Count ‘em folks: Zero relatives in jail! Of course, if they were in jail, my grandmother would lie about it and my mother would just pretend they never existed: “What brother is that, dear? Brownie? Milk with that?”.
I can’t quite deal with ouzo, but giant Greek-filled chocolate bunnies would be great! Chocolate, beautiful men, beautiful coastal cities — what’s not to like?!
Mojo, give your sister time, she’ll get to jail soon enough!
Oh, my joy is short-lived. My great uncle’s grandson is in jail. I forgot because my mother refuses to recognize his existence. Plus, he’s distant enough that I can count him as only one-fourth an incarcerated relative, right?
Well, I am getting punch drunk here, and dreaming of greek-filled chocolate bunnies, so I’m going to go home.
Dammit, R the P, just saw your comment about my sister… Well, you’re probably right about that. But she’s not in jail NOW. And when she gets there, I’ll be sure to tell people she’s my half sister and I never lived with her. All true!
Leaving now…
Goodnight Mojo! See you tomorrow when I return from New Orleans!
Goodnight Mojo! Goodnight R the P! Goodnight Bas! Good night chocolate covered Greeks, wherever you are.