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Today I was checking out my stats for Shattered Prayer, and found a few interesting search strings. I decided, for lack of anything better to do, to google some of the search strings that caught my fancy. One of the strings was “mojito jokes”. That string led me here, to a list of ‘Alcohoroscopes’. I thought I’d share, and today - in a drunken manner - I think I’ll go backward.
First, it looks like Shelley is the mojito-lover in the bunch:
Drinking style
If you’re a Pisces, you’ve probably already heard that you share a sign — and an addictive personality — with Liz Taylor, Liza Minelli and Kurt Cobain. Not only do Pisces like to lose themselves in the dreamy, out-there feeling that only hooch can give, but they build up a mighty tolerance fast. Who needs an expensive date like that? On the other hand, they’re fabulously enchanting partners, whether in conversation or in crime. With the right Pisces, you can start out sharing a pitcher of margaritas and wind up in bed together for days. The phrase “addictive personality” can be read two ways, you know.Trademark Cocktails
Pisces rules fresh mint, and they do love a mojito or three — though a julep will do just as well. They also like punches, like sangria or the oh-so-aptly named fish house punch. (Pretty much anything will satisfy a Pisces in a pinch, though — “drinking like a fish” is an idiom pulled out of the zodiac, not the deep blue sea.) Pisces is a chocoholic and loves creme de cacao (and spiked cocoa).Drinking buddies
Drew Barrymore, Chastity Bono, Chelsea Clinton, Kurt Cobain, Edward Gorey, Queen Latifah, Liza Minelli, Anais Nin, Sharon Stone, Liz Taylor
It also says Shelley is a chocoholic. Isn’t she the one who gave us the chocolate blender-shake recipe? Hmmm….
So here’s R the P:
Drinking style
Aquarius and drinking don’t go together that well (except for water, that is). They have an innate tendency toward know-it-allism, and if they get an idea while sizzled, they’re more stubborn than a stain or a stone. If they’re throwing a party or organizing an outing, however, they’re too preoccupied with their duties to get combative — and they make perfectly charming drunks in that case. Fortunately, they’re usually capital drink-nursers. They also make the best designated drivers (if you can get them before they start raising their wrist): Aquarius is fascinated by drunk people and capable of holding interesting conversations with soused strangers while sober.Trademark cocktails
Aquarius is likely to order stuff most people have never heard of: a capirinha, Satan’s whiskers, a negroni, an Arthur Tompkins. They like to stump the bartender. This sign rules the color electric blue and would be pleased by any tipple featuring blue curacao. They also rule the olive tree, so pour the juice into that dirty martini.Drinking buddies
Jennifer Aniston, Ellen DeGeneres, Dr. Dre, Matt Groening, Ashton Kutcher, Ronald Reagan, Christina Ricci, Justin Timberlake, Oprah Winfrey, Elijah Wood
Aquarius and liquor don’t get along well? Let me tell you about Aquarius and liquor not getting along well. R the P, lying on a bathroom floor, ripping the toilet-seat from a toilet and screaming, “Just cut open my bladder!”.
And for Mojo:
Drinking style
In vino veritas — and, for Sagittarius, in booze blurtiness: When buttered, they’ll spill all your secrets and many of their own. Tactlessness aside, Sagittarius is just plain fun to drink with. This is a sign of serious partying (what else would you expect from the sign of Sinatra, Keith Richards, the Bush twins and Anna Nicole Smith?). They’re the people who chat up everyone in the room, then persuade the entire crowd to travel somewhere else — like a nightclub, or a playground, or Cancun. Good-natured hijinks are sure to ensue (including a high possibility of loopy groping; spontaneous Sag is a brilliant booty call).Trademark cocktails
A travel-loving sign, Sagittarius might be intrigued by drinks like Moscow mules, Singapore slings — perhaps even a Long Island iced tea (not a bad option, given how much Sag can put away and still stay vertical). Party monsters that they are, they’re attracted to shots, like the ever-popular lemon drop. Sag rules pears, and could use a nice pear cider right about now, come to think of it.Drinking buddies
The Bush twins, Margaret Cho, Noel Coward, Betty Ford, Lucy Liu, Brad Pitt, Keith Richards, Frank Sinatra, Anna Nicole Smith, Britney Spears
Okay, Mr booty call! Wooooohoooooo. I’ll remember that next time I’m drinking with Mojo….
And though I haven’t gotten soused with Mojo, I have drunk with him and I have to say, he’s fun sober or drunk, except after we’ve been stuck in traffic on I-75 for two hours. Kind of hard for anyone to be fun in that situation.
And Bas:
Drinking style “I’m jusht a social drinker,” slurs Libra, “it’s jusht that I’m so damn social?” Libra loves nothing more than to party, mingle and relate to everyone. Whether dipped in favor of Good Libra (with Insta-Friend device set to “on”
or heavier on the Evil Libra side (they are little instigators when bored), the Scales can really work a room. Charming as they are, Libras are notoriously lacking in self-control, however, which can get them into all sorts of trouble — including wearing their wobbly boots waaaay too early in the evening, flirting with their best friend’s beau or even blacking out the night’s events entirely. Oops!
Trademark cocktails
Aesthetic Libras like pretty, pouffy drinks like a pink lady or a brandy Alexander. That’s the influence of Venus, their ruling planet, which also gives them a horror of crudely named potions like Sex on the Beach. They’re fine with “normal” guzzles like apple martinis, but every Libra secretly just wants Champagne, and lots of it.Drinking buddies
Jimmy Carter, Simon Cowell, Ani DiFranco, Janeane Garofalo, Hugh Jackman, Martina Navratilova, Gwyneth Paltrow, Sting, Oscar Wilde, Catherine Zeta-Jones
Frankly I just can’t see Bas sipping on a pink pouffy drink, pinky extended. I think he prefers beer. Pouffy Belgian beer, but hey, so do I.
Hmmm… this going backwards is confusing. Is it my turn? I think so:
Drinking style
Geminis can drink without changing their behavior much — they’re so naturally chatty and short-attention-spanned that it’s just hard to tell sometimes. They can amaze you by conversing with finesse and allusion, then doing something to belie an extremely advanced state of intoxication, like puking in your shoe. Geminis possess the magic ability to flirt successfully (and uninfuriatingly, which is very tricky) with several people at once. They like to order different cocktails every round — repetition is boring — and may create a theme (like yellow drinks: beer, sauvignon blanc and limoncello) for their own amusement.Trademark cocktails
Easily bored Geminis need some stimulation in their drinks — those with two parts, like a black and tan (or just a double), are particularly appealing. Otherwise, they’ll drink all over the map, ordering frou-frou drinks to add to their collection of cocktail monkeys or going for whiskey rocks because they’re feeling rather noir. Gemini rules the herb anise — make some home-infused anise vodka as a gift.Drinking buddies
George Bush Sr., Johnny Depp, Rupert Everett, Boy George, Allen Ginsberg, Angelina Jolie, John Kennedy, Ian McKellen, Kylie Minogue, Morrissey
Anise vodka? Fuck just hand me a bottle of ouzo. Yeah, much of the above is actually true. I have been known to hold a scintillating conversation right up until the moment I puke on your shoes. And I do like trying new drinks, all kinds. Every kind. And though I’ve never had a black and tan, I do have a favorite two-toned drink: A margarita with a chambord floater.
Buy me a beer!
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Comments
This entry was posted on Wednesday, May 16th, 2007 at 7:49 pm and is filed under mystical. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.
I hate to say it, but mine was pretty much true as well. I’m not much of a drinker. I’ll drink, and have done, and sometimes to excess, but it really doesn’t fascinate me so much. I always wondered how anyone could become an alcoholic. Why would you want to drink that much.
(Now, a fat-ass, I can see someone becoming. You know because food is just so, well, delicious)
And I used to love to talk to the drunks! I could find out the most interesting things about them! I always wanted to know everyone’s stories, and drunks will tell you some stories.
Then I just got tired of hearing everyone’s stories. Most are really boring. And very similar to every body else’s stories. And I couldn’t even go drown my sorrows in alcohol.
Now, a hamburger, I could drown my sorrows in.
And having been in drinking situations with both Mojo and Che, I would say there is much truth to their alchoroscopes as well!
But I don’t like olives. I may rule that tree, but I don’t want to eat its fruit.
And you know, just the other day I was drinking with Elijah and Oprah, when Oprah suggested we go dig up Ronnie and drink with him too.
If Oprah and Elijah dated, their tabloid name would be Oprijah.
And really, someone needed to cut open my bladder.
I had to pee really bad.
I always end up bringing drunks home; picking them off the streets and all…
To me alcohol just enhances everyday drunkeness..
Life’s unreal. And if you know that and live by it you’re basically drunk all the time and a little alcohol won’t change that view too much
As on socializing… i think drunk people can get really boring and obnoxious if they lack a little imagination to start with.
Oooooo…. I love olives. Any kind of olives. From the modest little cocktail olive to the giant greek olives to Romanian black butter. Yum… olives.
Drinking is something I can take or leave, though there are times when I feel I could really use a stiff shot of tequila or twelve. I like drinking for the flavor more than for the effect. If I want to get buzzed, I’ll take drugs over booze any day (not that I do that sort of thing anymore). But Geminis are nothing if not adaptable, and we can adapt to any situation, even boozelessness and druglessness. After all, there are few things more entertaining to us than our own minds.
But if its in front of us, we’ll try it. It doesn’t matter what it is. (Oxygen, anyone?). In fact, the more dangerous it is, the more attractive it becomes. Ooooo… Zyclon B? Can I try some?
We’re also bad about mixing stuff that shouldn’t be mixed. At that party in the swamp, I had one of everything. And I don’t even remember what ‘everything’ was.
Geminis will also take things that they don’t know the identity of, or will if it looks interesting. And we’re real good at talking other people into taking mysterious substances. The weak-willed shouldn’t hang out with Geminis - we’re trouble.
My alcohoroscope is dead right. In fact, one shot I’ve been known to do is a lemon drop, my first super-drunken-fest in NYC was with RtP drinking Long Island Iced Teas, and right now I have pears in the fridge at work!
Drunkenness is a very good thing for me (most of the time). I hate abusive, nasty, or obnoxious drunks. I’m the opposite: fun-focused, pleasant etc. (thanks for the props, Che).
You’re right, Bas. I think alcohol just exposes the hidden parts of people. Dull people just become more boring at $8 a drink. It’s their money, but it hardly seems worth it.
For many reasons, I’m fortunate to be with RtP, but since he’s an Aquarius with no real interest in drinking, he’s been good to have around as a designated driver. Thanks for all the driving (and guiding) Richard!
My ex was a Cancer. Here’s his:
Drinking style
Cancer is a comfort drinker — and an extra wine with dinner or an after-work beer or six can be extra comforting, can’t it, Cancer darling? Like fellow water signs Scorpio and Pisces, Crabs must guard against lushery. Cancers are brilliant at ferreting out secret parties and insinuating themselves on VIP lists — and, in true Hollywood style, Cancers are never really drunk; instead, they get “tired and emotional” (read: weepy when lubricated). But there’s nothing better than swapping stories (and spit) over a few bottles of inky red wine with your favorite Cancer. Even your second-favorite Cancer will do.
God I HATED it when my ex got drunk. He really really really did cry when drunk. ALL THE FUCKING TIME. Every single time. And you know, us air signs don’t like that crap.
I swear to the gods one of his pastimes was getting drunk, sitting in the dark, listening to morose music and sobbing miserably. I would much rather have to cut R the P’s bladder open than deal with some whiny drunk pussy of a man shuddering and wailing in the darkness. GAH!
Oh, Che. You have my sympathies. I think I would have been slipping Temposil into his morning coffee. Good gods, weepy folks turn me off like a light switch!
I shoulda thought of that. I tolerated it for the first few months of our marriage, then I started getting pretty fucking impatient with it. I mean, if you’ve got a reason to cry, fine. I’ll do my best to help. But if you’re crying just because drinking makes you cry, then for fucks sake don’t drink.
Later in our marriage he started taking drugs instead of drinking. That was much better. Though once while hallucinating he did try to stick his face in a lit furnace. I rescued him, but am now questioning the wisdom of that rescue. Shoulda let the cheating fuck burn his face off.
HA! Good point. Causing himself to have Freddy Krueger face would have shown him a thing or two. Sounds like he was a needy guy, unfortunately. That certainly wears thin after a while. A helping hand is one thing, but carrying someone on your back all the time is another.
Oh, he wasn’t all that bad all the time. As much as I’d like to verbally slam him, we did have our good times. Hell, if we didn’t, I wouldn’t have stuck around as long as I did. At his best, he was very interesting and funny. At his worst. Well, at his worst he was a weepy little pussy boy.
Anyway, not a subject to dwell upon.
It does seem our alcohoroscopes are mostly right. Thats pretty amusing.
The Scorpio horoscope also applies to me pretty well (I have scorpio rising… BOO!).
Don’t ever tell Scorpios they’ve had enough, for they’ll smirk at you and quietly but intentionally keep tippling till they’re hog-whimpering drunk, out of 100-proof spite. Scorpios like to drink, and screw you if you have a problem with that. Most of them see the sauce as something to savor in itself, and not as a personality-altering tool — though if depressed, self-loathing Scorps seek total obliteration. But generally, they’re fascinating drinking pals, brilliant conversationalists and dizzying flirts. They also remember everything — especially what you did when you were blitzed. Only drink with a Scorpio who likes you.
I will drink just to spite someone who tells me I’ve had enough. And I do remember everything. Which is a curse sometimes, because there are things I’ve done when drunk -on the rare occasion - that I’d rather forget. But sometimes it comes in handy, like when I want to blackmail someone, or just the ability to remind people of what they did the night before.
The thing about R the P being a good host… hmmm. We were kind of good hosts in the day. I mean, we didn’t supply a lot of anything - we always made our attendees bring their own stuff. But I think our engaging conversation, our sparkling personalities, and our ability to make people do whatever we wanted them to more than made up for our sparse party offerings.
I remember little when drinking, and only a bit more than that when sober. Of course, there were many (perhaps Scorpios) who were there the next day to remind me of my shenanigans or confessions. I was usually off to something else before they were finished with their accusations: Whatever! That was last night. Bored now. That is my talent.
You’re right. Best to make up a party by having others bring all the drinks, etc., while you bring your natural ability to entertain and command. That’s not a common skill, so I’m sure you held the crowd mesmerized: Drunk, kits off, driving you to a club in ATL, and admitting their darkest secrets to you. Sounds like fun to me!
I also have Scorpio rising.
Hmmmm.
We never served anyone anything at our parties. They had to BYOB and food and dates and whatnot. But we did have good times.
And I am fortunate to have Mojo for many reasons as well. He is not a mean drunk.
At all.
Ever.
He has, however, been known to let a cute stock broker talk him into drinking tons of tequila.
I actually have a pretty good memory. I used to take it for granted, but now that I’m getting older and watching other people’s memories become more erratic with age, I’m growing to appreciate it a great deal. The thing about my memory is, I tend to remember really stupid things. Some tidbit of trivia I read in a book light years ago. Or something R the P said or did that he’d probably rather I forget. But when it comes to me remembering to take my wallet when I go grocery shopping, forget it.
HEY! Well, that’s true. He is sexy, though. I mean, who could resist the appeal of a hot guy serving you good tequila for free?! A guy only has so many skills. Resisting that combo ain’t one of them.
I can be a mean drunk at times. Especially if my drinking partner is a whiny boohooing pussy of a drunk.
Anyway…. stock-broker?
I could probably resist a stock-broker, no matter how cute he is. But… uh… not if he’s offering me tequila. I likes me some tequila.
Mojo’s dilemma exactly!
He’s not your normal stock broker. He’s nice, hot, generous, wealthy, and genuinely supportive of his wife — even to the point of giving up alcohol (dammit) because it was getting to be too much for her. This is not normal NYC stock broker behavior, which is a good thing. The most important point, of course, is that he was handing out high quality shots of tequila. Good times…
The stock broker is the husband of one of my (our) good friends. And she is HOT. We used to go to a bar called “The Daily Planet” in NYC (It isn’t there any more — I think it is now a flower shop) and she’d whip out her boobs for all to enjoy.
Then she got her Ph.D. and married a stock broker, one who loves to furnish Mojo with alcohol!
She is now a well respected (and HOT) professor at a university up here.
Yeah, they’re pretty annoying with all their money and hotness. Of course, the money is not as important as the hotness. And neither are as important as handing out free tequila.
Money and hotness, ay? I wouldn’t be able to decide whether I loved them or hated them. But if they’re handing out tequila, I suppose I’d lean toward the lovin’.
Mojo’s dilemma exactly!
But he loves the money and hotness too.
And I’m fond of it myself.