Loading ...At what point do we start adding new people to the weekly horoscopes? How many posts does a person need to make to be included? I think I’ll include people who request an inclusion, so if anyone wants their weekly horoscope from Rob posted here, just pop me a comment and I’ll start adding you.
Okay, me first:
My Gemini friend Risa is brilliant and sophisticated. She speaks four languages fluently, and is one of the few people I’ve met who understands the theory of relativity. So then why is she fascinated with bad reality TV shows like “The Girls Next Door,” which follows the lives of Hugh Hefner’s girlfriends? How could she possibly enjoy monster truck rallies, which she attends now and then? What purpose is there in her encyclopedic knowledge of the toys favored by children in Kazakhstan, the diets of German racehorses, and the clubs of Chinese women devoted to reproducing antique European lace doilies? As an astrologer, I don’t find this mysterious. I’m aware that for many Geminis, everything is potentially interesting, even information other people regard as trivial. It’s all raw data to be used in the infinitely fun game of playing with ideas. And that has never been a more apt description of your tribe than it is now.
Well duh, tell us something we didn’t know about Geminis. Yes, we’re fascinated with everything. Just about anything with catch our attention… “Ooooo… look at that. Shiny.”
The thing that pisses me off about this post is that Rob assumes that the monster truck rally is somehow intellectually inferior to the the theory of relativity. True, the monster-truck rally is far more Newtonian (F=MA) than Einsteinian, but when that mass starts to accelerate, its a real rush.
More rose-colored revelations for Bas:
I’d love to see you call your own bluff and blow your own cover. I’m hoping you’ll stop hiding your assets and keeping so many secrets. And I really, really wish you would come out of the closet not just about your unique gender identity, but also about the other idiosyncratic twists and turns that make you who you are. Please stop being afraid of revealing your beauty, Libra — even the work-in-progress aspects of your beauty. It’s time to close the gap between the real you and the images people have of you.
Okay Bas, care to explain about that unique gender identity?
Good lord, Mojo is dropping his pants again this week:
Your astrological omens are similar to those experienced by Oscar-winning actress Judi Dench back in February 2002. At that time, she was moved to make a dramatic revelation to film mogul Harvey Weinstein. In the midst of a party, she pulled down her pants to reveal her naked ass, revealing a temporary lipstick tattoo that read “I love Harvey Weinstein.” I’m guessing you might be inspired to unveil a comparable surprise in the coming days, Sagittarius. At the very least, I expect you’ll find some intriguing ways to express your affection and demonstrate your ardor.
You see that? “express your affection and demonstrate your ardor”. Fine enough, but next thing you know, in a week or two, Rob will be wanting you to ‘communicate’. And we just can’t have that.
My grandma always used to say, “Communication is fine when your pants are down”. Words of wisdom. Got no clue what it means.
Richard the Previous:
It’s the Season of Burning, Churning Yearning. Here are three of the most important things I’ve ever told you about how to get what you need. (1) If you don’t precisely articulate your conscious desires, your unconscious patterns will come true instead. (2) If you want your conscious desires to trump your unconscious patterns, speak or write your conscious desires every day. (3) It’s better to have three huge, soaring, potent desires than 25 puny, scrabbling, half-assed desires.
Yes thats right, yours wins the WTF award this week. Sounds like Rob’s been reading ‘The Secret’ or summat.
And for Shelley:
Ron is down to six cups of coffee a day, which is much healthier than his previous 15-cup habit. We, his friends, might wish it wasn’t because he joined an ascetic cult that wants him to get into top physical shape in order to fight the evil reptilian extraterrestrials that have taken over the bodies of corporate and governmental leaders. But hey, whatever works. Likewise, Pisces, this is a favorable time for you to resort to just about any legal measure in order to break the grip of your bad habits — even if that involves substituting some rather exotic new habits for the ones you need to eliminate.
Alright, I would never ever ever in a million years suggest anyone stop drinking coffee. Thats just cruel. Rob is cruel. And why resort only to legal measures to break bad habits? Thats no fucking fun? What is Rob on this week?
And, um…. Shelley…. if you’re going to start a war against the reptilians, do let me know. Cuz I’ll need to forewarn the mothership.
——————————————
New Additions to Rob’s weekly horoscope, Stefficus and Karah. For Stefficus this week:
Would you like to shed your soul’s baby fat without having to go on a diet? Do you want to supercharge your immune system, improve your memory for the events that really matter, and build the spiritual power of your sexual feelings? Are you interested in postponing forehead wrinkles, getting glimpses of your beautiful future, and diminishing your fascination with the media’s nihilism? The secrets to pulling off these possibilities will be more available to you than ever before in the coming weeks. And what’s the best way to ensure you’ll gather them in? Open your heart. I mean really open your heart — with a relentlessly tender intensity.
Open your heart? Thats it, thats the horoscope? This man is getting paid to toss off these cliched platitudes.
Karah will be getting down and dirty this week:
“I tell young people that the greatest paintings in museums are made with minerals mixed in oil smeared on cloth with the hair from the back of a pig’s ear,” says artist James Rosenquist. I hope that thought incites you to achieve pragmatic breakthroughs in the coming weeks, Cancerian. It’s time to play in the mud and risk making a mess, if necessary, in order to translate your beautiful visions into earthy realities.
Want to create beauty by making a mess? I got three words:
Nude mud wrestling.
Buy me a beer!
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Comments
This entry was posted on Wednesday, August 1st, 2007 at 11:03 pm and is filed under mystical. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.
Those are awesome! If he wants to do one for me, he can
I’m a Cancer.
I emailed you back also
Wanted to make sure it went through because my e-mail has been acting a demon.
ooo, do me, do me!
my horoscope and those who helpfully “gift” me with it are a running joke - just not a very funny one. this would definitely remedy that.
(is there any chance mr. previous is an aries? ’cause i’ve been getting advice like that every damn time i turn around for the past, oh, 3 years or so.)
OMG, what is it with Rob and pants-dropping Sajs? That’s just crazy. He must have a big ol’ crush on a Saj and is just hoping it will happen… For the record, no matter what Rob says, I will not be doing any public pants-dropping nor will I be ‘communicating’. No way.
Rather shocking about Bas! What haven’t you told us, Bas?! We will accept you no matter what. Even if you’re a trannie reptilian ET who wants to change his name to Loretta. We love you just the same. But be sure to tell us about it so we can act as if we are scandalized.
RtP’s horrorscope is insane. Definitely a WTF Moment.
Telling Shelley to quit coffee should qualify Rob for a memorable beating and not the fun kind. At least he allowed her to substitute a new, exotic habit. What would that be, Shelley?!
Just to clarify to the newcomers, Rob does the Free Will Astrology Horoscope, syndicated in various places. We read him each week because he seems to be a little insane. He’s always got Sagittarius naked for some reason. Libras always have this totally rosy outlook, everything great and wonderful and cheerful. He generally only half-bothers with Pisces, and us Geminis are always seeking enlightenment. Or monster trucks.
These horoscopes are entirely useless, but generally entertaining as hell.
Anyway, I’ll add Karah and Steff to the end of this one and if they want, they can be weekly too.
LMFAO Nude Mude Wrestling… oh my oh my
I’m glad someone around here finds me amusing. Most of the time I feel like I’m committing some sort of jesticular onanism.
Jesticular. That really really really should be a word.
Isn’t all onanism jesticular in some way?
Rob also likes to steep Aquarian horoscopes (that’d be me, Mr. Previous to some, Dr. Previous to others! — Doctor Previous. Hm. Sounds like some second rate knock off of Dr. Who.) in riddles. Nothing straightforward like his total love of Libra or his desire to shag some Sagitarrian senseless. And he gets so tired by the time he gets to Pisces, he just says, “Um, Pisces, some stuff is going to happen. Maybe.”
Mr. Previous makes me think of Homer Simpson. “Mr. Plow, that’s my name. That name again is Mr. Plow.”
OMG Che! We all find you amusing.
I’m not planning on waging war on any reptilians, I don’t think, but have been thinking of substituting all bad habits with sex. Sex has been in the news a lot as of late. It sounds like an interesting pasttime and healthy too, with the proper protection.
Of course I may have to dream about it first. Hmm, maybe I should just replace all bad habits with sleep. So many decisions.
Maybe I do need to wage a war on reptilians…
I did read your piece on the tarot and the 9’s. Thanks for remembering!
I’m a jesticular onanist. I amuse myself endlessly.
I like “Dr Previous”, cuz it sounds like a comic-book hero.
In next month’s issue of Granular Man, Dr Previous kidnaps Radioactive-butt guy. Radioactive Penis Man asks Granular Man to help him rescue his beloved little goat-shaped sidekick. Will they defeat Dr Previous and rescue Radioactive butt guy?
Sex has been in the news lately? And here I’ve been wasting my time surfing for porn when I coulda just turned on the news.
Which reminds me of a story. Back in my thespian days of appearing as a man in every single play I was in, I befriended a local sportscaster who was in a couple of plays with me. He had an uncanny resemblance to Tom Cruise. Or at least, he claimed to have an uncanny resemblance to Tom Cruise. Even though a picture was taken of me on someone’s front porch, sucking his finger, I actually never had sex with the sportscasting Tom Cruise look-alike. He was married and I don’t do married men. Unless of course their wife is there with us, then thats okay. However, a friend of mine DID have sex with him. Teehee. His favorite role-play was the Nun and the Catholic school girl. My friend was the nun, and HE was the catholic school girl. After that, everytime I saw him on the news, all I could think about was him in a catholic school girl’s uniform, getting hit with a ruler.
Okay also, does anyone watch ‘Who wants to be a superhero’? Because I swear, Whip-Snap is the spitting image of this woman I dated a couple of times, many years ago. The voice is the same too. Does anyone know her real name? Cuz its freakin’ me out.
I meant to say Dr Previous sounds like a comic book villain, but what do I know? I’m ever so slightly tipsy.
I’m a necrophilian werewolf gagging for hot Venutians?
Rob is getting close to un-dead. Pfwww…
WEll… I always knew the werewolf thing. Woef!
Not into reptilians ay?
dr. previous: lab coat by day, cape by night.
…wait, are supervillains allowed capes?
I think they can have capes, as long as the capes are black and have those high pointy collars.
A camp villain must have a cape! When he turns to exit dramatically, he has to be able to twirl it behind him.
*facepalm* how could i forget the ultimate transylvanian supervillain? of course, of course.
telling me to open my heart is fair advice. sure, it’s painfully trite, but it’s valid.
it also will never happen. *grin* telling an INTP (heavy on the “I”, heavy on the “T”
to open their heart is like, i dunno, beating your head against a brick wall. or something.
I don’t know why, but I like the way the phrase “heavy on the ‘T’” sounds.
Maybe because Che was drinking delicious tea during the blogathon.
I also like “Heavy on the ‘I’”. As in, “No, you simply cannot wear that! It is too heavy on the eye.”
steff says “it’ll also never happen”
Thats just what I was thinking. Rob! we’re talkin’ Aries here. They don’t open their hearts, they rip out other people’s and eat them. Or at the very least, trample carelessly over other people’s hearts while recklessly careening toward something they really really want.
Heavy on the eye. Reminds me of the stuff that Johnny Bill used to wear. Like that silver space-man outfit with the glitter fish-bowl on his head. That wasn’t just heavy on the eye, it made me want to put my eyes out
Chicken was an Aries.
And some of them just call themselves Chicken and hope to be manhandled.