The Shattered Prayer

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Last August, a woman in Pennsylvania experienced a miracle when she cut open an eggplant. The seeds were arrayed in the shape of the word “God.” Felicia Teske regarded it as a divine sign that had been sent to comfort her for some difficulties she had recently experienced. She felt deep gratitude for the gift. Nevertheless, she cooked up the vegetable and served it to her family for dinner, though not before saving a slice that she offered for sale on eBay. I urge you to follow Felicia’s lead in the coming week, Gemini. Magnetize yourself to epiphanies and breakthroughs that will simultaneously feed your soul, your body, and your bank account.

Ah yes, exploiting miracles for money. Just like somethin’ I’d do. That was my horoscope for the week from Rob, in case you couldn’t guess.

I felt the need to be first again. Steff’s is as follows”

In his book The Primary Colors, Alexander Theroux writes that yellow is the color of “early bruises, forbidding skies, dead leaves, dental plaque, foul curtains, speed bumps, and callused feet.” And yet, he muses, yellow is also the color of “the generous sun, butter, candlelight, ripening grain, translucent amber, and spring itself.” I suspect that in the coming week, Aries, you will have encounters with a situation that is as paradoxical as yellow. Whether your experience is more like wrapping yourself in foul curtains or basking in the generous sun may depend largely on whether you summon a determination to see the best in everything.

And red is the color of spilled blood, entrails, stoplights, and ambulance lights. Its also the color of rubies, sexy dresses, roses, heart-shaped boxes of candy, and demon’s eyes. (That last one is a good thing right? Right?) So might all colors be paradoxical? Is there a point here?

Bas, on the other hand, will begin manufacturing umbrellas:

In China’s Zhejiang province, many of the cities specialize in making a single product. For example, Datang township manufactures one-third of all the world’s socks. Wenzhou creates 70 percent of the cigarette lighters on the planet, and Songxia has cornered the market on umbrellas, churning out 350 million per year. I’m not necessarily saying that you should copy their approach, Libra. But if you have recently had inklings about cultivating a certain specialty you’d love to pursue with more intensity, the coming weeks will be an ideal time to set that process in motion.

I wanna red one. RED I say!

Mojo will be napping mid-flight:

While traveling long distances, birds are constantly napping. They can close one eye at a time, allowing one side of the brain to sleep. I hope you’ll be inspired by their technique in the coming weeks, Sagittarius — not by literally snoozing in mid-air as you soar across abysses during your leaps of faith, of course. Rather, I’m suggesting that you become a master of inducing utter relaxation for brief spells between each of your daring, heart-pounding exploits. Stay poised, good-natured, and full of grace even while you’re in the thick of adventure.

As long as he’s not the pilot, nap away. And don’t forget to post your daring exploits on the forum.

Richard paints on tortillas:

You now have the potential to do in your own field what painter Joe Bravo has done in his own field: branch out in unexpected directions and claim territory few people have ever explored. Bravo executes his works of art not on canvases but on tortillas, some of which are almost three feet in diameter. He earns as much as $3,000 for his masterpieces. In your own sphere, Aquarius, what would be the equivalent to painting on tortillas? This is a perfect time to make a move.

Or perhaps you could eat canvas. I’d pay $3000 to see that. Just as soon as I sell my block of cheese with the moldy face of the Virgin Mary on eBay.

And for Shelley:

In his book Shamanism: Archaic Techniques of Ecstasy, religious scholar Mircea Eliade speaks of Qaumaneq, a special capacity that may be magically obtained by Eskimo shamans. It’s “a mysterious light the shaman feels inside his head, an inexplicable searchlight, a luminous fire. It enables him to see in the dark, both literally and metaphorically speaking, even with closed eyes, allowing him to see through darkness and perceive things that are hidden from others.” Even if you’re not an Eskimo shaman, Pisces, you now have the potential to wield a power with resemblances to Qaumaneq.

Quamaneq sounds terribly handy. Let us know how that works for ya.

Buy me a beer!

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