The Shattered Prayer

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I’ve just finished Queen Isabella by Alison Weir. In the book, Weir attempts to liberate Isabella from what she sees as her unjust sobriquet “The She-Wolf of France.” Instead of a manipulative scheming murderess, under Weir’s hand, Isabella becomes a victim, a woman tossed around and used by the powerful men around her. Personally, I prefer the She-Wolf version myself, even if it means she’s guilty of sticking a hot poker up Edward II’s ass.

But the book got me thinking about the sobriquets and epitheta necessaria that we have added to various Royalty from William the Conqueror to Ivan the Terrible. I present now, for your enjoyment, some of my favorite epithets and sobriquets.

A quick word about terminology. An Epitheton necesseria, called a cognomen (or even agnomen) by some, is a word, description, or phrase added to the end of a name to distinguish one person from another with a similar name. After all, Charles the Bold does not want to be confused with Charles the Fat. And neither of them wants to be confused with Charles the Child. Convention usually takes the form of “Name the Descriptor” when adding cognomina to Royalty, but sometimes it is simply “Name Descriptor”, such as is the case with the gay king of England, William II, known as William Rufus (William Red), who was, unfortunately, shot through the heart by an arrow from one of his own men. How romantic.

A Sobriquet is a name used instead of the given name. A nickname, if you will. “The She-Wolf of France” is a sobriquet. Isabella is not usually called “Isabella the She-Wolf of France,” she is simply “The She-Wolf of France” full stop. Queen Elizabeth I had a ton of these – “Gloriana,” “Good Queen Bess,” “The Virgin Queen.” The Roman Emperors were famous for them. No one knows Gaius Julius Caesar Germanicus, but everyone knows Caligula.

Now with that out of the way, on with the names! Since I am Richard and I am gay, I’ll start with the gay Richards.

Richard I of England, also known as Richard the Lionheart, had more than Lions filling his Heart. He was very fond of the menfolk, especially Philip II of France, called “the God-Given.” I don’t think Richard gave Philip that name, but he may have. Like the Lionheart, Richard II (inventor of the handkerchief) had romantic dalliances with men, which is perhaps how he earned his epitheton necessaria “the Coxcomb.” Richard II was also very small and pretty – some called him Richard the Mignon. Delicate flower that he was, he insisted that spoons be used at the table for the first time in an English court. Of course, later he went stark raving mad and was killed by Henry IV, called Henry Bolingbroke because he was born at Bolingbroke Castle. Speaking of Richards, Richard III was called Crookback, even though it seems he wasn’t the deformed eyesore that Tudor propagandists would have us believe. Even though he was described as attractive during his lifetime, the Tudors also called him “the Hog.” But hey, that’s what you get if you kill your nephews and usurp the throne. Alone of the English Richards, Richard III preferred the ladies exclusively.

But back to the gays. Some gay kings don’t even beat about the bush, so to speak. Gustav V of Sweden was known as “the Gay King.” He was also known as “the Tennis King.” He was famously blackmailed for being gay, but not, as it turns out, for playing tennis.

Gay Edward II, the possible unfortunate victim of regicide through hot ass-pokery (but not if Alison Weir is to be believed) was called Edward of Caernarfon because he was born at Caernarfon Castle (Like Henry Bolingbroke, that cognomen is not that interesting). Alison Weir claims that he avoided being killed and retired to the country calling himself William the Welshman. I’d hate to go from being King of England to Willie the Welshman.

This one makes up for Edward’s boring name. James I, King of England was called James I, Queen of England because of his relationships with his male courtiers. That’s right. The person responsible for the King James Bible was a Queen!

And speaking of Bibles, how about that Eric II of Norway, known as “the Priesthater”? That had to sit well with the Pope.

Another Eric II, this time of Denmark, named himself “The Memorable.” But I think he misspoke.

Maybe he needed to converse with John I of Portugal, who was known as John with the Good Memory.

And if we can choose our own names, who wouldn’t want to have the same name as Ottoman Emperor Murad I, the God-Like One?

I mentioned William the Conqueror, so here’s a little about him. William I of England was a French Norman Duke (in fact, he was William II of Normandy) whose invasion England led to the almost complete destruction of the previous English Nobility System (Strange how England seems always to be ruled by nobility from other countries, France, Scotland, the Netherlands, Germany). Given this, it seems appropriate that we’d call him William the Conqueror. In his own time, however, he was simply William the Bastard. Apparently, his parents weren’t married. I’ll let you decide if he was truly the only bastard to sit on the English throne.

Many rulers were named for their actions. For example, Alfonso XI of Castile was “the Avenger” (I have no idea whether or not he was assisted by Emma Peel. Or Captain America for that matter.) Alfonso I of Aragon was “the Battler.” Poor Coloman of Hungary was simply the “Bookish.” And move over Buffy, Byzantine Emperor Basil II was Basil Bulgar-Slayer. Some men were even named for their weapons. In fact, three different men were known as “The Hammer,” but Edward I of England went them one better. He wanted you to know who was being hammered and thus became known as “Hammer of the Scots.” Contrarily, Edmund I of England was a bit more evasive. He didn’t want to get into what he did exactly, but he wanted you to know he did something. He was called Edmund the Deed-Doer.

Many others were known by their physical characteristics, from Philip the Tall to Pippin the Short. Fortun I of Pamplona was called “the One-Eyed.” Edward I of England was practically a giant at 6’2”, thus Edward Longshanks. And I’m sure that Charles the Bald was envious of Wilfred the Hairy.

Speaking of physical features, there were a surprising number of fat rulers. Afonso II of Portugal, Holy Roman Emperor Charles III, Duke of Brittany Conan III, Henry I of Navarre, and Louis VI of France all went by “the Fat”. Even Sarah Ferguson, Duchess of York, was known as “The Duchess of Pork” before she discovered Weight Watchers. (This is living!)

Of course, Frederick I of Wurttemberg had them all beat. He was known by the sobriquet “the Great Belly-Gerent” (a Gerent is a ruler or manager). Napoleon I of France said of him, “God had created [Frederick I] to demonstrate the utmost extent to which the human skin could be stretched without bursting.” Take that President Taft.

And several were known for their fondness of Drink. Byzantine Emperor III, Ottoman Emperor Selin II, and King of the Romans Wenceslaus (not the Good one, another one) were all known as “the Drunkard.” And just for Che and Mojo there was the drunken John George I, Elector of Saxony. His subjects called him John George Beer-Jug.

The most overused of the epithets is obviously “The Great.” Everyone from Cyrus II of Persia to Catherine II of Russia got called “The Great.” At least 85 different rulers have been thusly named, which begs the question, if there were so many of them, were they really all that great? Alexander I’ll give you, but what was so Great about Hugh?

Some rulers never quite became Great; they were simply “Good.” Maybe if John II of France hadn’t been held prisoner by Prince Edward (son of Edward III, called the Black Prince by the French because he putting a whupping up on their asses), he might have reached that “Great” title that was only available to a mere four score of his compatriots. Ten other men also fell short of the almost unattainable heights of Hugh the Great.

Two men, Robert I of Normandy and Suleiman I of the Ottoman Empire, avoided the whole kafuffle altogether and simply proclaimed themselves “the Magnificent”!

Speaking of not quite making it, everyone knows that Vlad III of Wallachia was called Vlad the Impaler, but another Wallachian, Basarab Ţepeluş cel Tânăr, wasn’t quite in Vlad’s league. He became known as Basarab the Little Impaler. Nice try.

There were other also-rans. Five lucky men were known as “The Handsome” but five others were not quite as good-looking. They were simply “the Fair.”

Some people you just feel sorry for. Eysteinn Halfdansson of Romerike and Vestfold, how did you get the name Eysteinn Fart? And Ragnar Lodbrok of Sweden, why not choose other attire and avoid being known as Ragnar Hairy Breeches? And poor Charlemagne (himself one of the “Greats”). His otherwise handsome son was known as Pepin the Hunchback.

Some kings couldn’t win for losing. Eric XI of Sweden had troubles heaped on him. He was known as “The Stuttering and Lame” or more alliteratively as “The Lisp and Lame.”

But none of these hold a candle to Séamus án Chaca. That’s right. After he deserted his Irish supporters, James II of England became known as “James the Shit.”

The only one coming close to James II was Byzantine Emperor Constantine V. Because he supposedly defecated in his baptismal font, he became known as “Constantine the Dung-Named.” Talk about never living something down.

Some kings were even named after their dead dads. If the previous king died before his son was born, the son simply became known as “the Posthumous.” (Confusingly enough, this makes is seem like the men were kings after they died, but that isn’t what they meant.) My favorite of the Posthumouses? John I of France. He was born 15 November 1316 and died 20 November 1316. Only alive for 5 days, he ruled all of France for every single one of them! One hopes he ruled France well.

But in case he didn’t, he would have plenty of company in the bad ruler category. After all, Ivan IV of Russia was known as “The Terrible” for a reason. He filled you with terror. As did three other men. Two men (Ordono IV of Leon and Yazdegerd I of Persia) were known as “The Wicked.” Two others were known as “the Devil,” and one of those, Vlad II of Wallachia, was also known as “the Dragon” Or, in his native tongue Dracul. Following the customs of the day, His son, Vlad III, simply added an “a” at the end of his dad’s name and became Vlad Dracula. Son of the Dragon. You know, “the Impaler.”

Sviatopolk I of Kiev was known as both “the Damned” and “the Accursed,” but only because he killed his brothers to become king. What king hasn’t done that? Richard III did practically the same thing and became known as “the Hog.” Where’s the justice in that?

Three other men just kept it honest. They were simply known as “The Bad.”

There are so many other good ones.

Ethelred the Unready.

Louis the Indolent.

I could go on and on.

Obviously, this is tradition that needs to come back in fashion.

After all, if it is good enough for Richard the Lionheart, why isn’t it good enough for Richard the Previous?

Buy me a beer!

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