The Shattered Prayer

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… cuz we haven’t done Rob in a while. Steff first, since its her birthday. Did I mention its Steff’s birthday. I think I did.

It’s a good time to start preparing for the shocks that will arrive when the Mayan calendar ends on December 21, 2012. Some measures to consider: Learn how to use a gun, live off the grid, and gather edible plants that grow in the wild. APRIL FOOL! Everything I jut said was a histrionic lie. Here’s my real message: The period leading up to the winter solstice in 2012, as well as that day itself, will bring no more than the usual rate of breakdowns and breakthroughs that has characterized the last two decades. Of course, that’s still more novelty per year than previous generations experienced in a lifetime. But you’ve become pretty good at adapting, haven’t you? This week I suggest you expand your mind even further about the massive transformations we’re in the midst of, and think about how you can become even more skilled at constantly changing.

Oh Rob, yer such a hoot.

And speaking of a hoot - I just got steffimail. I love the fact that on her birthday, I get a prezi. OMG, thats hilarious. Steff - you do know I’m going to use this, don’t you? Thankee!

Okay, all about me:

Danni, the renowned “Psychic to the Rich and Famous,” predicts that disgraced ex-governor of New York Eliot Spitzer will relocate to Nevada to build an empire of legal high-end brothels that will feature the services of Britney Spears and other starlets on the downside. In that extravagant spirit, I prophesy that during the rest of 2008, you Geminis will have love lives that are as tumultuous and melodramatic and desperately interesting as the romantic escapades of bi-polar Hollywood idols. APRIL FOOL! Your love life may be unusual, uncanny, and highly entertaining during the next eight months, but it won’t be painfully funny.

Um… okay. I think the second half of that was just as much an April Fool’s joke as the first part.

For Bas:

Ralph Nader for President of the United States! Ron Paul for Vice-President! Oprah for Secretary of State! Dennis Kucinich for Speaker of the House! It’s time to overthrow the corrupt powers-that-be and install visionary leaders who will actually work for the good of the people. APRIL FOOL! As much as I’d love to see those public servants ascend to high office, it doesn’t make sense to fight for that outcome. For me as well as for you, revolution is not yet in the works. This is a time to pursue hard-earned incremental improvements that will come through a pragmatic willingness to compromise. Don’t waste your time on all-or-nothing proposals.

First of all, I wouldn’t vote for Oprah for anything, unless maybe it was to be shot out of a cannon into a pit full of piranha. Second of all, huh?

Mojo’s horoscope:

Lots of sex: That’s the Truth and the Way for you right now, Sagittarius. It’s the only sure method for enhancing your intelligence, increasing your income, and bringing you closer to your spiritual sources. I suggest you embark on a non-stop immersion in erotic experiments, stopping only occasionally to sleep and eat. APRIL FOOL! There’s a crucial caveat to what I just said: Make sure the sex is blended with dramatic doses of tenderness, love, and compassion. Otherwise you’ll be wasting your time.

Love the way Rob promises you lots of sex, then takes it all away. April fool! Haha… so funny. “No sex for you!” he says in his best soup-nazi voice. Then tells you to find tenderness and compassion. Compassion! He prolly wants you to “communicate” too. April fool!

For Richard the Previous:

After mining operations stripped away the plant life on China’s Laoshou Mountain, the bureau of forestry hired workers to literally paint the bare surface of the whole facade green. You should take a similar approach to tidying up after your own recent “mining operation.” APRIL FOOL! I was kidding. What I really meant is that you should do the metaphorical equivalent of planting a lot of trees and bushes to compensate for the consequences of your “mining operation.” Don’t be satisfied with merely cosmetic fixes.

I don’t even know what that means. Planting… trees? Whatever. I don’t need to be a psychic to know that Rob’s April fools jokes are not very funny. We’ll do Shelley now, and then this pain will be over.

You need more mayonnaise in your life. The omens suggest you should use it as a condiment with every meal, and even add it to smoothies and cocktails. To place yourself in maximum alignment with cosmic rhythms, make mayonnaise a part of your skin-care regimen, try it out as a brass polisher, and employ it to spice up your sex life. APRIL FOOL! You didn’t seriously believe the planetary aspects are suggesting you should obsess on mayonnaise, did you? You do need a new spirit medicine, but it’s not made from chicken eggs. Now here’s your real horoscope, courtesy of philosopher Jonathan Zap: “Find your spirit medicine. And remember that what works for someone else, may not work for you (and vice-versa). Also what works for you when used consciously, sparingly, in just right the circumstances, might be disastrous as a habit.”

My god, that whole thing gave me a headache. I see a Darvon in my future.

Buy me a beer!

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