Loading ...Sure, birthdays are lots more fun, but death-days are important too - at least for those of us who know when we’re gonna die (there are some drawbacks to being a prophet.)
Since Richard didn’t make a death-day post for me, I suppose I’ll have to do my own. I also had to bake my own death-day cake, give myself some death-day spankings, and buy my own death-day lunch (I had chipotle chicken).
I share my death day with some pretty prominent figures. Other people who died on April 10: Sam Kinison, Teilhard de Chardin, Kalil Gibran, Dante Gabriel Rossetti, Pope Gregory XIII, Gabrielle d’Estrée, mistress of King Henry IV of France, and speaking of royalty, I share a death-day with many, many regents, including Queen Isabella II of Spain, King Hugh of Italy, King Frederick I of Denmark, and most notably, Louis the Stammerer, King of the West Franks.
Now there’s a hell of a cognomen.
April 10th was also the day that the Titanic left Southampton for its fateful voyage in 1912.
Doom, I say.
Well, I’m not dead yet (famous last words). You people are stuck with me a little while longer, but today is a day to remember that I am - despite rumors to the contrary - mortal. And you damn well better appreciate me while I’m here, cuz if you don’t, I’m comin’ back to haunt you.
This is Che, calling you from beyond the grave. Wish you were here.
Buy me a beer!
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You’ve got two whole years left to live! So quit yer whining!
I plan to take you for granted while you are here and then after you die to make a big spectacle of myself, and making your death all about me.
Things I plan to do
1. Throw myself across the coffin at the funeral (it doesn’t matter what your wishes are, your mom’ll bury you in a pink dress).
2. Tear my clothes and rub ashes and dirt on my face. For months afterwards.
3. Write a book detailing your life, and how, if only you had followed my example (of avoiding ceiling fans), you would have lived an extra couple of years.
4. Stand up during the funeral and yell at everyone there that THEY didn’t know you! No one knew you! Only I knew you! None of them deserve to be at the funeral! And if they had been better friends they would have kept you away from ceiling fans.
5. Take over SP and write about nothing but comics.
6. Make my students write essays on how difficult it is for me to cope without my best friend. The writer of the best essay will get a copy of my book about decapitation avoidance.
7. Dig you up after the service and prop you against your headstone just to freak out all of your visitors. I plan on sitting you cross legged, holding a cup of tea in one hand and, for no good reason, a copy of the Bible in the other. I’ll, of course, give you a fetching hat to wear.
So don’t worry. People will talk about your funeral for YEARS to come. You’ll be the most famous dead person in all of Georgia. Maybe even in the whole world!
If I’m still in georgia in two years, bring on the ceiling fans.
I’m glad you intend to enjoy my corpse. Weasel plans to enjoy my corpse too - but in different ways. Hey, thats fine with me - still gettin’ it after I’m dead.
And for sure you’ll inherit SP after I’m gone. No one else wants it.
oh R the P is truly a sick one and I love him for it…
A great belly laugh!
well i know what I’M doing after che dies, and i’ll make richard do it, too. ya know how people go about wearing crosses around their necks? i’ll start a line of very tasteful ceiling fan necklaces in sterling and 14k gold.
everybody will want one. the proceeds will go to shattered prayer foundation, which will be ostensibly for the promotion of paranormal studies and stone penises, but which will in reality be utterly bankrupt after the “comic books, booze, and jerzey devil hunting” cut is taken.
I didn’t think it was possible, but Stefficus has made Che’s upcoming death even more exciting. Everyone will want one of those pendants!
Maybe we can even make a few life size.
And you know how some crosses have little Jesuses hanging off them? I say some of the pendants could have Che hanging off one of the blades of the fan.
Waiting for my cut of the comic book, booze, and jersey devil hunting fund.
oh, the comic book portion of the fund is all yours. well, almost - i might use some of it on porn (though i recall using some comic book art for borderline porn when i was young… hm).
i think you might be onto something with the tiny ches. what could be better than her followers wearing a teensy effigy of the woman herself on the instrument of death? what?? nothing, that’s what!
you’ve upped the profits - uh, i mean, the benefits to paranormal studies and stone penises - by at least 25%. at LEAST. bravo.
It really warms my heart to see all of you making plans to cash in on my demise. An’ I’m sad that I’ll be too dead to wear one of those tiny effigies of myself. They sound very fashionable.
Well if you’re all gonna profit… er.. I mean if the paranormal and stone penises are gonna benifit from my death, then I at least want the occasional prayer and blood sacrifice.
I do plan on being a very mighty composite being by that time.
It is only fitting that you get some of the profit. Since we know the date of your demise, they we can have people pre-order the little ceiling fans with your effigy hanging off of them. Some of the proceeds will, of course, go to you.
Well thats all well and good - but I still want the blood sacrifices.
Goes without saying.
Blood sausages for everyone, a al Sweeney Todd.
I want Che’s books. Can I have those when you die, Che? Obviously, I’ll want one of the ceiling fan necklaces but given all the good the profits will be used for, I’ll buy one; but, only if the effigies have the appropriate set of representational tits. No true-to-life Che boobs, means no deal for me.
Blood sacrifices will be yours to demand, Oh Great Che! Of course, I’ll need books to show me how to perform said rituals. Best to give me your books, then. See, full circle back to the books.
Oh, and of course I’ll assist Richard in any way necessary to make a huge melodrama of the funeral. He’s keener than I am for that, so I’ll be happy to follow his lead.
Sure, Mojo. You get the books. And you can get the magickal books too, as long as you promise to use them. Because I want those goddam sacrifices.
I get the feeling I’ll be missing all the fun. Blood sacrifices, nifty gold pendants, Richard making a spectacle of himself. Why is all this stuff being planned AFTER I’m dead? No fair!
…um. i had assumed you’d pull the whole resurrection thing.
you could be incognito if you think coming back will cut down on the merchandising or the blood sacrificing.
Resurrection - its already been done. I intend to do something fresh. Thats me… always pushing that envelope.
Hmmm, great point, Steff. First order of business is a multi million dollar life insurance policy on Che. After we collect, we will simply move our asses to Tahiti for the winter, and the Netherlands for the summer. We continue to collect on the merchandising and (for propriety) we continue blood rituals.
I just know Zombie Che will be even more fun than Living Che: Just think, Che can booze, drug, eat and f*ck with absolute impunity! She’ll ALREADY be dead! Oh, you’ll be the envy of everyone, especially me…
I realize, of course, that my description of Zombie Che’s life is pretty close to Living Che’s life, but I’m talking ZERO consequences here, folks. All we need to worry about is money, and the insurance and merchandising should take care of that, no?
If Che wanted to do something new, she could regenerate like the Doctor.
Head gets lopped off, Che regenerates, looks like Suzanne Pleshette. Stands up and says, “I’ve regenerated!” Unfortunately, stands up in the fan and gets her head lopped off again.
She regenerates and looks like Anjelica Houston. Stands up and says, “I’ve regenerated.” Head gets lopped off again.
She regenerates and looks like Marie Osmonds. She looks at herself and says “Where’s that fan?”
Although I like Mojo’s insurance plan.
I love it! Regeneration is perfect. In addition to Richard’s excellent list, I’d like Che to regenerate as Betty Page at some point as well as Rosalind Russell and perhaps Jane Russell. I’ll have to think of more regeneration possibilities… there are so many!
Suzanne Pleshette? Jane Russell? What… no Judy Garland?
My list of potential regeneration personas: Daniel Jackson (who regenerates plenty on his own), Captain Jack (both of them), Boba Fett, Tzeentch, Q, and Cthulhu.
Nah. You share a few traits with Judy, but there isn’t enough resemblance there. I can’t see you doing musicals.
Captain Jack (both of them) is a great one! Boba Fett is great too. Damn, I can’t believe we forgot Cthulu! Do you mean Star Trek Q? You lost me on Daniel Jackson and Tzeentch, though.
I was thinking regenerations were gender specific, so I focused only on women. But if it’s personality specific (and why couldn’t it be?), then we’ve opened a whole world of great regeneration material!
Daniel Jackson on Stargate?
I also assume you meant Star Trek Q and not James Bond Q.
I too was thinking of the ladies and only about regenerating to look like the people, not to have their powers. If having their powers means anything, that opens a whole new regeneration potential!
And no Judy. Liza with a z.
As far as my gender identity goes, I’ve always been pretty nebulous in that department. So its just you two projecting a gender onto me. I don’t wanna be Judy Garland. Unless of course, the drugs come with the face.
Daniel Jackson on Stargate. Yes. He’s the perfect combination of adventurer and nerd, plus he’s come back from the dead more times than all the messiahs put together.
And of course Star Trek Q (why the hell would I be bond Q?) because as superpowers go, he’s the bomb.
Boba Fett because I have a… er.. Boba Fett-ish. Plus, who wouldn’t want to be the greatest bounty hunter in the galaxy? Not our galaxy, of course, but a galaxy far far away. And I’m referring to grown Boba - not the little retarded clone-boy.
Both Captain Jacks are brilliant. I’ve always wanted to be a pirate, and I’m already omni-sexual, so I’d have that goin’ for me.
And Tzeentch… Tzeentch is the Chaos god of change and sorcery in Warhammer. He’s gotta be a Gemini.
Cthulhu… just cuz.
I actually laughed out loud at Boba Fett-ish!
Thats cuz it was funny.