Loading ...That’s what I was thinking about, how perfect the light was, when I was driving to the hospital last night. It was behind me. The sun, not the hospital. It would’ve been kind of stupid of me to drive in the opposite direction of the hospital.
Mom had just had a stroke, or at least that’s what we thought. Her body went rigid, her arm went completely numb and she couldn’t move it. Her face was a little drawn on one side. She’d had a stroke some 15 years ago, and though she hasn’t had that kind of problem since, it was reasonable to think it might happen again at some point.
It’s weird watching myself in a crisis. I do go on automatic pilot. I’m calm, I’m cool, I’m collected. I take care of the big stuff with ease and efficiency. Then I freak out over the small stuff, like a lost release form. One misplaced piece of paper and wham, I’m right over the edge.
As it turns out, it wasn’t a stroke. When mom’s lung cancer was found in late July, a brain-scan revealed a tiny spot on her brain. The doctor said it was so small, its effect would be negligible during the remainder of her limited life-span. Now it seems it has grown more than expected, and has caused this seizure and stroke-like symptoms.
Which kind of changes everything.
I mean, not really, but it does. I was finally getting to a place of acceptance with my mom’s cancer. Its been hard on me, and I’ve been getting prepared for it to become harder. But I knew what to expect because I’ve dealt with lung cancer before.
But brain cancer? I’m not sure I’m mentally and emotionally equipped to deal with all the uncertainties of that. She could have seizures, become confused, lose control of her limbs, act crazy. Well… crazier.
I want to do my best for her, but I’ll be afraid of taking my eyes off her for even a minute. I can’t watch her all the time. I have to sleep. I have to work. Already my work is suffering because I can’t concentrate, I can’t commit to large projects for fear of not being able to finish them, I can’t do live consultations for fear of being interrupted.
Now I’m always going to be fearful that something could happen to her when I’m not looking.
And if it’s scary for me, then I know it’s even scarier for mom. She too was getting prepared for events to unfold a certain way. She knew she would get sick and need to be cared for. She’s been a lot more active lately, doing things while she still can. She’s been shopping, going to the beauty parlor. Even doing some cooking, which is normally my domain. Now I’m pretty sure the fear of these seizures is going to limit her already limited activities.
I spoke with her this morning, and she seems much better. She can move her arm now, and is able to move around. But she did say she didn’t want this to happen anymore, and I can’t say as I blame her. But we’re going to have to try to get prepared for the possibility. Somehow.
I’ll be heading up to the hospital, as soon as I’ve had coffee and a shower.
Buy me a beer!
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Just as an update, I visited mom and she seems much better. Her doctor is consulting a neurologist to see if there are some meds she can take to prevent or reduce the likelihood of further seizures.
She’s in reasonably good spirits, and demanding pie.
It is such a horrible thing to go through, both for your mother, who is dealing with her imminent departure from this world, and for you and the others who will remain.
All of my thoughts are with both of you at this time. I know you are strong, but sometimes even the strongest can use a little more help in such a time.
I also know what you mean about being cool in a crisis and the small stuff making you crazy. We went through some harrowing medical things with our daughter, and on the whole, I was amazing calm and did exactly what I needed to do, only to nearly break down at the stupid ambulance bill.
I am glad to hear that your mother’s being more active. I hope they have something to lessen the effect of these stroke like symptoms so that she can continue to be so.
I’ve met your mom and I have to say I like her! Whatever else she did, she helped produce you, and that makes her one of the best people in the world in my eyes
We all need the healing power of pie
Thanks Richard. My mom seems to like you where she never really liked my other friends too much.
She always thought my friends were a bad influence on me, but by the time I met you, I think she’d figured out that, no, it was me who was the bad influence.
The pie, its gonna be good. I hope. I made a chess pie. This time I used a smidge of nutmeg and a hint of ginger.
My nephew is home from college this weekend. hence the big dinner. I’m making roast with potatoes and carrots, mashed potatoes, corn on the cob. My sister is making the butterbeans and the.. ugh… congealed salad.
We’d planned on doing this with mom, of course, but shit happens. I reckon we’ll take some dinner to her at the hospital, considering hospital food is absolutely dire.
I dread all the cooking and cleaning, but at least the food’ll be good.
ugh. Congealed salad. Why oh why do Southerners think this is a good thing to have?
The rest of it sounds absolutely delicious. Too bad your mother can’t be with you there, but if she has to be in the hospital, what a feast to get brought to her.
I like your mom too. Your grandmother was way more colorful, but I loved the feeling of “I don’t know how the hell I get in the middle of these two” that, all those years ago, seemed to emanate from your mother. It was as if you and your grandmother were aliens that she had the misfortune to live with, but she was gonna just go about her life as if you were the Cleavers!
“Oh no, my daughter isn’t covered in tattoos. Oh no, my mother isn’t kinda raunchy and addicted to QVC. Everything’s normal and fine here! Just good old Southern Christian folk!”
I admired that dedication to her version of events. Reminds me of my own mother!
Yeah my grandmother was raunchy all right. I remember her telling me “I raised your mother to be a liberal, broad-minded woman. I don’t know what the hell happened to her!”.
My mother would complain about my clothes. “You’re pants are too tight”.
My grandmother would turn right around and say “We need to take you shopping for some tighter pants”.
My mother would say “Your skirt is too short”
My grandmother would say, “Don’t you have any shorter skirts? Doesn’t hurt to show off a little leg.”
My mother would say, “Don’t have sex until you’re married.”
Then my grandmother would tell me, “Don’t ever marry a man until you’ve had sex with him. You want to know what you’re gettin’.”
Grandma’s advice. Always sound. Grandma and I really must’ve been sheer torment for my mother, though mom has loosened up a bit in her old age.
I remember when you and Mojo were down one christmas, and I mentioned I was going out with you two. She asked who Mojo was and I thought Oh lord, here it comes. I said, He’s Richard’s partner. They’re gay you know.
She waved her hand dismissively, “Oh I don’t care about that. Is he American?”.
She was far more concerned about you dating a foreigner.
Ha ha ha!! It is good to get your priorities straight. Gay? Who cares? Foreign gays — they’re trouble!
Glad to hear she is loosening up with older age. I don’t understand people who get more uptight with age! As time gets shorter, enjoy yourself MORE, not less!
And you’re right about the congealed salad. Why on earth do southerners think this stuff is good? It even sounds disgusting. Congealed salad. May as well call it coagulated salad.
*shudder*
They let mom come home today. She’s in pretty good spirits. Her left arm is still kind of numb,and its really annoying for her. I can’t say as I blame her, I’d find it annoying too.
She’s got some new meds that will hopefully help.
I’m pretty tired. I cooked most of yesterday and all of this morning, but dinner turned out very good. I’m glad they let mom come home so she could enjoy it.
And my pie…. my pie is nearly gone! It was obviously a big hit, and mom ate the biggest piece.
just ’cause you CAN handle it doesn’t make it suck any less that you have to. if my circumstances were slightly different i’d move down and help out, i really would.
gods know i’m bored here. *grin*
and you’d still have to cook. naturally. at least until you could teach me how to do it “right”.
it IS nice to hear your mom was doing stuff for herself and starting to get in some living before all this happened. there’s sort of a ratchet effect, and it’ll be easier for her to take that back up once the panic of “omiGAWD, something could HAPPEN!!” becomes less acute again… especially considering her attitude to begin with.
i’d give you virtual hugs, but that’s borderline mushy. instead i’ll say, hey - i’m watching a program on locusts. yeah, baby.