Loading ...Richard the Previous says i haven’t written a post in a billion days. It certainly feels like it. But does anyone really want to hear about how I’m getting bitch-slapped by FEMA and other sundery complaints? No, so I’ve been non-blogging lately.
I’ve mostly been trying to concentrate on my tarot readings, on my novel and uh… um… okay you caught me - on Necromunda (TM). Hey we all have our hobbies.
Except, according to JtO, people who read and enjoy his blog. Well I disagree. I can have hobbies AND enjoy his blog, just not at the same time. I’m not good at multitasking.
I noticed today, while eating a Hershey Bar, the following message on the wrapper: “Candy is a treat. Please consume in moderation.”
Okay, Mr Hershey, I don’t appreciate being told how to define my candy. If I want my candy to be a meal, its a meal. And we all know to get the full recommended daily allowance of Calcium from a Hershey bar (with nuts) you have to eat twelve of the things. So do no lecture me about moderation. One cannot eat Hershey bars in moderation and maintain a sufficient intake of calcium.
Thats my story and I’m sticking to it.
And frankly, I thought that message was just plain un-American. It is not the American way to encourage moderate consumption of one’s product. I suspect some commies may be running that chocolate factory in Hershey, PA.
Okay, there’s your post Richard the Previous. Enjoy.
Buy me a beer!
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This entry was posted on Tuesday, September 19th, 2006 at 9:50 pm and is filed under edible. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.
I’ve never read a more fulfilling and fantastic post. Now I can go a billion more days.
I think I will go eat a Hershey bar as a starter, following by some Hershey bar soup, and then for the main course, a Hershey bar, and then afterwards, some Special Dark.
I recommend the Hershey miniatures as the appetiser, and use hershey’s kisses as croutons on your hershey salad.
Magickally Delicious!
Having been to Hershey, PA I can tell you that you feel about as far from commies as you could get. Feels more like fascists… Still, there are the farms, which are a little commie-like.
When I wen to the company store for reduced price deliciousness, they tried to close down on me! Like any good capitalist, I grabbed what I could and dashed for the checkout with cold, hard cash in hand. They let me out of there, but I didn’t get what I wanted. Oh, such haunting memories of Hershey Bars Denied.
Wait, come to think of it, Hershey built a whole town for all the workers to live in, and he even made everything sort of run better for those working for him. Maybe they ARE commies!
Just munching my way through a ‘Verkade’ bar.. That’s our national pusher for the most underappreciate drug in the world. I mean.. Sells OVER the counter and at daylight prices?
Chocolate, chocolate, chocolate!
Well… its not as good as G, but far more ubiquitous and affordable for certain.
Jt O’s story now has me convinced of Hershey’s evil. I’d call for a boycott but….
sorry… gotta have my Reeses Cups. (or Commie Cups, as we’ll henceforth refer to them. sort of the antithesis of Freedom Fries)
Commie Cups. I wish I had some Commie Cups right now. Instead of that Reese’s Moon Pie, it will now be referred to as the Hammer, Sickle, and Moon Pie. Delicious!
Ah, I had a commie cup today. I really need to get a Hammer, Sickle and Moon Pie, yum.
But don’t confuse it with a Moon Cup - thats what I have in my vagina.
Ah, yes. You wouldn’t want a Hammer, Sickle, and Moon Pie in your vagina . . . or would you?
Well I’m kinky but not that kinky… or am I?
After all the fun of “What’s in My Vagina” it is a new game show that dares to ask “Is Che that kinky?” The panel names a kink and Che reveals whether or not she has indulged.
In that case, I’ve done a hammer, but not a sickle.
I’ve also done a commie, but the only thing I’ve done with Commie Cups is eaten them.
Ha ha ha! My ex-boyfriend, um, M the Former (it is hard to keep this “blank the blank” thing going) used to have a, ahem, fuck buddy, who was straight. Completely straight. He never slept with any other man besides M the F. Once M the F had tired of this straight guy and wanted an out gay man, straight guy didn’t know what to do now that he no longer had this sexual outlet.
So he bought a hammer and stuck it up his ass.
I always wondered, of all the things to buy to do that with, what led him to choose a hammer? He couldn’t have bought a strap on and mentioned his kink to a lady friend?
Of course, everyone knew about this (although no one was supposed to) and all their friends would hum “If I had a hammer” or they would sing the Indigo Girls song about getting outta bed and getting a hammer and a nail (learn how to use my hands)!
As long as he used the handle and not the ball or the peen!
You know, I can’t really think of a reply to that story. Perhaps it should just stand on its own as an example of how to not comment on a family-friendly blog.
Good thing this isn’t a family-friendly blog.
Let it be a lesson to us all!
The choice of a hammer is a baffling one. Only a psuedo-straight guy would think “Hardware would be a good thing to stick up my butt”. Um, hello, ever heard of a sex shop? As RtP says, if you think you are straight, then get a kinky girl to strap it on, for god’s sake.
Probably, he was scared that a dildo or cucumber or other such objects would get ‘lost in there’, but a nice solid hammer head would prevent any excessive entry. What a Straight Guy.
A hammer, indeed. I guess he was just looking for one Divine Hammer.
I suppose I missed the lesson…
\”If you think you are straight, then get a kinky girl to strap it on\”
Okay, time to lecture the gay guys. Just because a man enjoys anal stimulation does not mean he\’s gay. A man can be primarily attracted to women and still enjoy sexual stimulation of his anal region.
Its attitudes like this that prevent so many straight guys from enjoying butt-sex. No wonder they\’re all out buying hammers.
And you thought it was just to build things with.
However, I will admit, if this guy had been dating M the Former, there\’s a pretty good chance that he was a really gay Straight Guy, hammer or no hammer.
Hey, he says he’s straight I’ll believe him, because really, I’ll never sleep with him, and he wasn’t that interesting. That was my and JtO’s point, if you are straight and love it in the hatchback, then get a girl to strap one on. I have a friend who is a very respectable psychology professor who used to strap it on for an ex-boyfriend of hers. He loved it, she loved it, everyone was happy.
And I did meet him (M the former’s straight guy) once. We were at a dinner with all of M the Former’s friends and Straight Guy. Of course, everyone there knew that Straight Guy and M the F used to get it on, because M the F told them all. Straight Guy didn’t know they all knew.
Here is an actual conversation from that night.
Straight Guy (to me and M the Former, loud enough for everyone else to hear): You know. I just don’t know how you guys do it. I mean, having sex with another guy. I just can’t imagine it.
Me: Really?
Straight Guy: No. It is just so foreign to me.
Me: Honestly? You honestly just cannot imagine having sex with another guy?
Straight Guy: No.
Me: So you never thought of having sex with a guy?
Straight Guy: No. Never.
Me: You never thought to yourself, “I’ll just take a hammer and have a whack at that?”
Everyone else at table: (scared silence, then uncontrollable laughter).
I see you’re still good at taunting people. Thats nice to know.
I wonder when the ads for hammers will start showing up on the site.
I just likes to call ‘em as I see ‘em.
I wonder how many readers of your blog have thought to themselves, “I’ve never considered using a hammer in that manner. Maybe I should try it.”
And I wonder how many more are thinking he stuck the clawed end up his but and are wondering how he did that.
Ah Richard, you mustn’t underestimate my readers. Its a rare breed who appreciate the beauty of a blender, the refined and balanced flavour of a mojito, and the joy of a hammer up the butt.
All at once.
As only the most refined connoisseur can appreciate!
well really, don’t you NEED a few mojitos before you can handle a hammer up the butt?
I had put in a comment. Perhaps the best comment I ever made on this board and J the Only unplugged the router just as I hit send! It was lost forever.
He is instaling our new iMac. We\’ve switched to Mac completely (except at work, where I have a PC laptop because they claim SPSS messes up on Macs). A the Girl, our daughter, is upstairs celebrating Rosh Hashana with her friend. We aren\’t Jewish, so we aren\’t celebrating with her. (Shana tova! to all those celebrating).
Puss is ignoring everyone.
That\’s what we are doing! What is Che doing? Playing computer games with a (edited for safety)? Hmmm? Is that is what is going on?
Or is she making a living responding to request for readings?
HMMMM?
She certainly isn\’t posting!
Actually, I was out on an M&M (TM) run. They’re made by Mars (TM) you know, not Hershey, so they don’t tell me to eat them in moderation. They don’t tell me not to use them as a topping on my Deep Fried Mars Bars. No, they’re happy just to lie there in my hand not melting until, of course, I put them in my mouth. What handy little things.
I hate to hear this blog was robbed of the greatest comment ever by J the O’s bad timing.
Shanah tova to A the Girl and her Friend the Friend. Love to the whole family, and to your ruler, Puss the Cat.
And its not a COMPUTER game.
Mmmm. M&Ms. They are delicious. They melt in your mouth, not in your hands. Or at least the chocolate doesn’t melt in your hands. Sometimes the dye in the candy coating melts in your hand.
I cannot recover the greatest comment ever. It is lost to the ether.
Is it wrong of us to go get a cheeseburger on Rosh Hashana?
Puss the Cat doesn’t think so, but she’s been known to ignore the feelings of others.
Is it some sort of RP game? R & D game? P & G game?
It might be somewhat inconsiderate to get a cheeseburger on Rosh Hashana, but Puss is your ruler, you should listen to her.
Yes, melting in the mouth, not in the hands. And contains a fascinating array of dyes.
There are men outside in the dog-park yelling “Woooo… get naked!” I fear looking out upon this lurid scene. I hope the dogs aren’t naked again.
Its a tabletop wargame. Get with it.
Oh and Bas complained today that this blog was turning into a DIY site. I think we should cease the Hammer talk.
Unless its Warhammer (TM), that is.
Bad dogs!
Tabletop war game, eh? Do you do it like intellectuals would do in old books? Does he email you and say “Knight to Queen’s Bishop 3″ and then you look at the tabletop and say, “You fiendishly clever player! Well met! My hat’s off to you. How shall I ever top this?” And then you mail off some move. And then 30 years from now, someone mails in “Check and Mate, sir! Huzzah!”
Is that how you play it?
Ha ha! I just got a picture of Ty Pennington with a hammer up his ass making someone’s dream come true.
Bas should pitch that show to a local tv station over there. It would never get on the air here!
Something like that, but its more like me mailing and saying, \”Die, die you underhive scum… Di-i-i-i-i-i-E!!!!!!!\” and Rich writes back and says, \”You fiendishly clever player! Well met! How shall I ever top this!\” and I write back and say, \”AAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEE! you filthy disease-ridden vermin, I\’ll kill you all!\” and he writes back and says, \”Huzzah!\”
Thats how you play it.
Who?
Ah! Just like Chess then!
After I got on to you for not being here, now I have to get my special Rosh Hashana Cheeseburger.
Take that, Torah!
Now you’ve got me wanting a Rosh Hoshana cheeseburger. ah tradition.
Ty Pennington — consider yourself lucky for not knowing who he is. He got his start as the resident hunk on Trading Spaces, the U.S. version of Changing Rooms. Then he quit and started his own show where he grants the dreams of some INCREDIBLY destitute family by building them a dream home.
Hey! Maybe you should write to Ty. He could help you where FEMA did not.
Well you know I’m not up on my cultural references, being a hurricane victim with no TV . Even on the blog my cultural references are very old… like Jack Handey.
So do you have Ty’s address? Perhaps he’d like to help someone with no furniture or cultural references.
It would help if you had like 17 kids who also lost everything in Katrina, and if you lost at least one of the kids in Katrina, you’d be a shoe in. Ty would show up at your doorstep. I don’t know how to post a picture to a comment, but I emailed you a link with pictures of him. At least you too can get the mental image of Ty with a hammer up his ass.
Sorry, Bas. Sometimes you got to talk about ass hammers.
Yes and I thank you for the pics. That mental image of the hammer will haunt my nightmares for years to come.
And this post has now broken the record for most commented!
Huzzah!
Congratulations, Post! A little Hershey’s, a big hammer, and a whole lot ass loving will break records every time!
Hammer don’t hurt them (A cultural reference as old as Jack Handy!)